This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt. The Washington Post letter change DNo Madieval - someone who's crazy about the middle-ages Shippies - people who live on boats and advocate extreme liberalism in sociopolitical attitudes and lifestyles. Pigamist - offense whereby one marries more than one pig Paradigm Shit - ground shattering thunder buster Crocodill - a lethal carniverous swamp dwelling herb Liz Alcohole... the place you find yourself in after a hard night on the gasoline!!! Introfuction... when you sidestep the pleasantries and get straight into shagging. Pooperty...a section with a lot of shit on it Flatulency... to be fluent with farting Nikola Tesla The last 29 days of the month are the hardest. Our virtues and our failings are inseparable, like force and matter. When they separate, man is no more. Science is but a perversion of itself unless it has as its ultimate goal the betterment of humanity. it is a mere question of time when men will succeed in attaching their machinery to the very wheelwork of nature. "My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher" Socrates USED A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield Life is just a bowl of pits. Rodney Dangerfield My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. Rodney Dangerfield My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Rodney Dangerfield USED When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield USED "Anger is creative; depression is useless" - Freeman Dyson (1979) http://www.quotelady.com/subjects/ USED Cultivate only the habits that you are willing should master you.--Elbert Hubbard I don't like to exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. As long as habit and routine dictate the pattern of living, new dimensions of the soul will not emerge.--Henry van Dyke Creativity can solve almost any problem. The creative act, the defeat of habit by originality overcomes everything.--George Lois Genius...means little more than the faculty of perceiving in an unhabitual way.--William James The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.--Marcus Aurelius Antonius USED I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.--Jorge Luis Borges Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you. Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough. Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips. Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say. Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature. Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like ........ Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like . Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright. Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. USED If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. USED "What if you were an idiot? And what if you were a member of congress? But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain. USED "Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon." Alan Perlis USED "You have to be 100% behind someone to stab them in the back." David Brennan, Office Manager, Slough most people are fools, most authority is malignant, God does not exist, and everything is wrong - Ted Nelson There Are No Stupid Questions, But There Are A Lot Of Inquisitive Idiots "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." * Tom Clancy "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." * Sharon Stone "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." * Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." * Woody Allen "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." * Lynn Lavner "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." * Robert De Niro "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." * Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." * George Burns "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." * Rodney Dangerfield "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading." * Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." * Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." * Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think "Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." * Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." * Billy Crystal "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" * Dustin Hoffman "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." * Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." ************************** Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." ************************** Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" ************************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** USED On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." ************************* In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************* At a Propane Filling Station, "Tank heaven for little grills." ************************** And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." those that can, do those that can't USED "What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork." -Pearl Bailey One world, One web, One program - Microsoft Ad Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer - Adolf Hitler "When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." Peter O`Toole delivery time, peformance, and features. pick any two. (SlashDot post) "You know when I was in Memphis I came this close to seeing Elvis, but my shovel broke." "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" - SlashDot poster "I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt." —President Bush USED : The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 meters per second per second. Give a man a fish, he owes you one fish. Teach a man to fish, you give up your monopoly on fisheries. "God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question." Anon "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." - Gandhi "What I object to is the craze for machinery, not machinery as such." "Today machinery merely helps a few to ride on the backs of millions." - Mahatma Gandhi http://www.fiu.edu/~fcf/Gandhi.quotes.html "My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those who work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was less competition there." - Indira Gandhi my father taught me to work, he didnt teach me to love it - Abraham Lincoln 'Go not to the Elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.' Frodo the secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity USED - War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography. -- Ambrose Bierce USED - you want enlightenment? stare into the sun. "He who kills himself with anything, Allah will torment him with that in the fire of Hell" The Messenger of Allah (saws) ------------------------------------------------- George Bernard Shaw ------------------------------------------------- There are two tragedies in life: one is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it. Science becomes dangerous only when it imagines that it has reached its goal. - Marriage: When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul Any man who is not a communist at the age of twenty is a fool. Any man who is still a communist at the age of thirty is an even bigger fool. Assassination is the extreme form of censorship Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few." Every person who has mastered a profession is a skeptic concerning it. I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it USED - I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. USED - Lack of money is the root of all evil Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. USED - Do not try to live for ever. You will not succeed. Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh My reputation grows with every failure Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty. One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't. The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. Those who can do, those who can't teach. We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing ! Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course. Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. "The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech." There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. "A fools brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition and art into pedantry. Hence University education." "A man ought to be able to be fond of his wife without making a fool of himself about her." "Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being ended sooner." "Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire." ------------------------------------------------- Grinthoss the Flatulent - of The Azgoths of Crea ------------------------------------------------- You do know why the streets of Paris are lined with trees, yes? Because the Germans like to march in the shade. USED: History does not repeat itself. Historians repeat each other. - Arthur Balfour Be ashamed to die till you have won some victory for humanity. - Horace Mann OpenSource: Every now and then, you get what you don't pay for. USED: "Coffee. Black as hell, strong as death, sweet as love." - Turkish Proverb USED "The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." -- Mark Twain It's hip to snip! USED "A fish must swim three times in water, in butter, and in wine" Polish proverb USED Dean Stringer - The Accountant's Nightmare Vision without action is a daydream, Action without vision is a nightmare USED: I keep having these fantasies where the Dead Sea Scrolls are full of assembly code. --Greg Travis Those who can, do Those who almost can, support Those who can't, teach Those who really can't, manage. USED No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. USED 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. USED 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. USE 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. USED Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. USED 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. USED 11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 16. Don't squat with your spurs on. 17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. 19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. USED 22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. USED 24. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. USED 27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 29. Never miss a good chance to shut up. USED 30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. never believe anything until it has been officially denied "if you spend too long around people just like yourself, the windows steam up and turn into mirrors." - Robert Wyatt THESE USEFUL QUOTES WERE REPORTEDLY TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better." 12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." USED 13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 17. "He's been working with glue too much." 18. "He would argue with a signpost." 20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 24. "A prime candidate for natural deselection." 25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 31. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 32. "One neuron short of a synapse." 33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes." 35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." Thoughts for 2002 3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 4. A penny saved is a government oversight. 6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 7. He who hesitates is probably right. 8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? 12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. 14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. 15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. 21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed. 22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food! 23. If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. 25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing. 28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails. "Never trust a computer you can't lift" Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of USED: Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets afterthem. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. you can tune a database, but you can't tuna fish Java: "write once, debug everywhere." "I just read the "what's new" page and I got e-buzz word whip lash" - KillThisKid on slashDot I thought that aliens would take over the world, but I never suspected the Finns. If the box says 'Windows 95 or better', it should run on Linux, right? Software is like sex; it's better when it's free - Linus Torvalds Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. - Oscar Levant If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? - Vince Lombardi The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within - Mahatma Gandhi There is more to life than increasing its speed - Mahatma Gandhi If it's *my* meeting, why the hell is it starting at 9:00am? Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I intend to live forever - so far, so good I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Black holes are where God divided by zero. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. 'The first ten million years were the worst,' said Marvin, `and the second ten million, they were the worst too Don't ask what your country can do for you, ask what you can't do in your country! If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world? Using the internet as it was originally intended... for the further research of pornography and pipebombs. Drag queens are only guys who like to eat, drink and be Mary. You've got an anti-anti-antimissle missle? Well, we've got an anti-anti-anti-antimissle missle! - Get Smart! Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose that you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase "As pretty as an airport" appear. Douglas Adams If you understood everything I said, you'd be me. - Miles Davis How do you set the scanner to stun? The David Letterman Diet: Eat whatever the hell you want. I think I'll have another beer. - David Letterman I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. - Tom Waits If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Why do they lock service station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections? What was the best thing before sliced bread? If a stealth bomber crashes, does it make a noise ? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? How can there be self-help groups? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why do they report power outages on TV? When your IQ reaches 80 -- sell. People who live in glass castles shouldn't store thrones. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. "whatever you can't imagine" - Jeff Mills Zany Game Quotes (http://zanyvg.overclocked.org/) "Go go go, next zone!" - Aero Fighters 2 "We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately" - Benjamin Franklin "That'll be the day" - Buddy Holly Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if pac man affected us as kids, we'd be sitting around in darkened rooms munching pills and listening to repetitive music.... Propaganda is to democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state - Noam Chomsky "the bewildered herd" - WalLippman describing the population mass One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. USED: Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. How is it possible to have a civil war? If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn aeroplane made out of that stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Albert Einstein... (http://www.magna.com.au/~prfbrown/albert_e.html) Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18 Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of the darkness surrounding it. "There is only one thing worse than being talked about and that is *not* being talked about" - Oscar Wilde Jesus saves, but Satan gets the rebound and scores! Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Say a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it My mind isn't so open that my brains fall out. if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail 'Observe, understand and then copy nature' - Viktor Schauberger NOTE: By reading this email, you have agreed to run around the room which you are currently in, flapping your arms, and sqawking like a chicken. Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch. the bits that are original are not good and the bits that are good are not original - Dr. Johnson My websafe palette: '0' = black '1' = white technology without humanity is worse than no technology at all. Too many freaks, Not enough circuses Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Source code is a lot like a parachute; it needs to be open in order to function properly. I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. -- M. Gallaher Too many freaks, Not enough circuses This post uses only 100% recycled electrons. When they said that information wants to be free, they meant free as in speech, not free as in beer. "Sometimes when you fill a vacuum, it still sucks." - Bill Joy, founder of Sun Microsystems "Freedom is the by-product of economic surplus" - Aneurin Bevan Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. If a man says something in the forest and his wife is not there, is he still wrong? Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings all day, they did it by killing all those that opposed them. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' Those who say that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming too high! YOU! Out Of The Gene Pool Give me chocolate and no one gets hurt! NEVER trust a person who doesn't like chocolate Eagles soar, but a weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine I'm not obnoxious - I'm just tact challenged I used to believe in reincarnation, but that was in a past life... There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. "All truth passes through 3 stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident." -- Arthur Schopenhauer Things the movies taught you ----------------------------- 1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not. USED 2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. 5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. 8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving. 14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. 16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now." 21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. USED 23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps. 25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English. Lawyer Jokes: ============= What do you call a skydiving lawyer? Skeet. How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers arguing over a penny. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters to lawyers? It's called Sosumi. May you have a lawsuit in which you are sure you are right. -Mexican curse Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print Dodgy: ====== The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? If God dropped acid, would he see people? Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. Thank You For Pot Smoking. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings," If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. The Earth Is Full - Go Home This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Illiterate? Write For Help Honk If Anything Falls Off He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off (Motorcycle) If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong... Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. The Hut? Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. Boldly Going Nowhere Cat: The Other White Meat Caution - Driver Legally Blonde! Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost? Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It! What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull The Christian religion has been and still is the principal enemy of moral progress in the world. -- Bertrand Russell Jedi / Yoda quotes -------------------- A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind." "Ahhh! A great warrior. Wars no make one great." "Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A jedi craves not these things." "A Jedi's strength flow from the Force." "Beware of the dark side. Anger...Fear...Aggression...The dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight." "Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny; consume you it will..." "The dark side is quicker, easier, more seductive." "You will know (the good from the bad) when you are calm; at peace; passive." "A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack." "You must unlearn what you have learned." "No! Try not...Do or do not. There is no try." "Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not; for my ally is the Force; and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter! You must feel the Force around you." "(What will happen to your friends is) difficult to say. Always in motion is the future." Used: ----- Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted "it's easy to predict the future. The hard parT is making sure your predictions happen" Deja Brew: The feeling you've had this coffee before A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. - Doug Larson Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. A man's reach should exceed his grasp. - Robert Browning Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Sign That No One Reads Your E-Mails - You get replies with "REMOVE" in the subject header If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm - Vince Lombardi I have never let my schooling interfere with my education -Mark Twain Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. - Jules Renard Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. - Bill Vaughan If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. An eye for an eye would make the whole world blind - Mahatma Gandhi Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Mary had a crypto key, she kept it in escrow, and everything that Mary said, the Feds were sure to know. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841 All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss. - Douglas Adams Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so - Douglas Adams Is there another word for synonym? Isnt Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse ? See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil! "Television: a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done." -Ernie Kovacs. There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? "That was a bit scary. Next, I must save the USA." - Aero Fighters 2 Trust in God, but tie your camel -- Old Persian proverb. They X-Rayed my head and found nothing. Draft beer, not people. Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery? If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. Caffine: Thanks to modern medicine, sleep is now an option. But isn't the purpose of the Doomsday machine lost if you keep it a secret! One never steps in the same river twice. - Heraclitus, Ancient Greek Philosopher It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away - Scott Adams Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave. "It's the cover-up that gets you." - Richard 'Tricky Dicky' Nixon How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers arguing over a penny. If you can't laugh at yourself you might be missing the joke of the century. "God is REAL ... unless previously declared as an integer" lrwxrwxrwx 1 deans webadmin 0 Nov 10 1968 .sig - /dev/null "Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England." - Homer Simpson If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in body. Then I realised who was telling me this" - Emo Phillips First, get your facts straight -- then you can distort them at your leisure. - Mark Twain Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. Psychiatrists say one in four people is crazy. Check three friends, if they re OK, you re it! Save water, shower with a friend! I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha Meetings: The practical alternative to work Remember, your body is a temple; however, it's also your dancehall and bowling alley - Dharma Montgomery studies show that studies show it's easy to predict the future. The hard part is making sure your predictions happen" "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity." Albert Einstein